Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
