i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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