What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
