Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
You're like the curious george of whores
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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