she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
So many bounce houses so little time
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
