I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Randomize
