I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
