I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize