RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Randomize
