honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
