I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Congratulations! We have a period
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