Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
