I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
