when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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