My underwear smells like fireworks.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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