Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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