i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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