all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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