Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
