i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
