The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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