I showed him my bush... on skype.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
