I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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