new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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