Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I checked into jail on foursquare
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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