she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I need to calm my uterus...
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
