Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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