I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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