Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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