ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
