well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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