Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
How naked do you want me to be?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
