its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
