Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
How drunk are you?
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