I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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