this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
