never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
