Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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