between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
