Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
