just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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