This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
