i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
