I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
