This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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