On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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