I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
