I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
