i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
