I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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