I can't breathe out the right side of my face
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
