Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
