you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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