I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
