Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
