I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize