When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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