he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
